.falling

For the first time, in a long time, I’m feeling swell! I’m not the one falling anymore, things around me are the ones falling into place! :) One day I decided enough was enough, and I did homework on time. I had an art project to get done and I finished it and had it turned in on time. I feel so accomplished. I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, God’s hand resting on my shoulder, His voice in my ear, “Great work, my child.”

As for the rest of my crazy world, it’s time I said something. I’m gay and there’s nothing to fix it. I am me and that’s that. I don’t mean to sound rude but people think they can always change others, especially the traits they can’t truly change, like sexuality. I think that trying to force someone’s sexuality in the opposite direction is a hoax. It hasn’t worked for years, and frankly, it never will. Of course, there are the people who have maybe thought they were gay, sought help, and turned straight. But in my opinion, it was because they never explored enough; that their straightness was just buried further and further inside by other desires. This is not my case. I’ve tried to like women, to understand women, and to feel desire for women. I’m a “lost cause” I guess. But I’m still the same person I was before, just more open about certain aspects of my life, haha.

Losing this insecurity about my sexuality is invigorating. It’s very freeing and a huge stress off my mind. As difficult as it was telling family (friends are easier because they really don’t give a f*ck) they took it pretty well overall; kind of suspected it, but, oh well. The last day I spent with family I wrote a status update on Facebook about coming out. Lots of people had words of encouragement and love. I never realized how many people don’t see me as “Alan the homosexual,” but as “Alan the friend.”

Love is in the air, and has been tricky in the beginning, but is finally here… in the air. I have a wonderful mate, Bradley, and am fully committed to him. That is all. <3

In other news, other than coming out, being in a relationship, and getting my homework done on time when I should, I’m having difficulties coming up with a new song. I have created a new song (ajmsong18) and am trying to make it work with lyrics. But that’ll come later, because I’m so focused on ajmsong16 and ajmson17. I’m also focused on composing chords and bass-line to “Near Fear,” lyrics I created to become song (thus the piano composing).

Not enough people know about a.journey.made on Facebook, haha. I created a Page a while ago and it’s been okay. 16 Likes so far. I just want the word out, but I’m still insecure about how my music sounds to other ears. It’s personal and something I like to produce, and I just don’t understand how others could enjoy it. But, they do, and I am greatful.

Growing up is a challenge, but no one said it was easy. I listened with a deaf ear and I’m paying the price, haha! Don’t let Life twist your arm! Take it by the wrist and unclench its grip. I’m trying, despite Procrastination and Distraction at my side breathing down my neck…

7 months ago  /  0 notes  / 

.wait it out

Well, for the 5th time, I’ve watched Imogen Heap’s DVD (“Everything In-Between: The Story of Ellipse”). I highly recommend it, especially for those who enjoy music (listening, playing, and/or composing). It’s very inspiring and creative, yet it makes me feel so amateur—which I am, but I like to pretend to think that I at least know what I’m doing.

Anyway, whenever I watch this DVD I get this rush of sudden inspiration and creativity, but I don’t know what to do with it. I’ll sit at the piano but I can only plunk out simple things, like constant octaves or fifths in the bass/tenor, an inverted chord for a harmony in the alto, and a series of random notes that fly up and down the piano, usually chromatically or in the scale of the key signature for the soprano. It all seems as if it’s been done before, and it has… by me. Numerous times, whenever I sit at the piano to play.

Inclusively, it’s all the same thing over and over again. It really bothers me to no end. I want to be able to compose music without it sounding pedantic, repetitive, or just plain boring. So, I decided to pull out the ol’ music theory notebook I had from high school and leafed through it. Some things I remembered doing. Some things just befuddled my mind. It was a lot to take in. Seeing all of ways to make chord progressions and the different types of rules really lowered my self-esteem. But all in all, I shall do my best re-learn it all. I’ve got time. 4 years, actually. I will most likely pursue music in college.

Toward such goals will be challenging, but I intend to beleaguer my negativity and just move on with what I currently have. So, without further ado, I shall get to work! (Just don’t get me started on my rant about lyrics)

-ajm

7 months ago  /  2 notes  /